The Founding Fathers Walk into Starbucks - July 4, 2025

After an accidental time-shifting, teleporting event initiated by a peeved Elon Musk, we find Thomas Jefferson adjusting his powdered wig as he stares bewildered at the Starbucks menu board. Benjamin Franklin is already at a corner table, quill in hand, surrounded by crumpled napkins. John Adams enters, muttering under his breath.

JEFFERSON: Good God Franklin! What manner of establishment is this? Twenty-seven varieties of coffee? We fought a war over tea taxes, and now they're charging four dollars for something called a “Venti Caramel Macchiato with oat milk”.

FRANKLIN: (not looking up from his scribbling) Ah, Jefferson! Perfect timing. I have no idea how I got here, but I've been eavesdropping ever since. I thought we did a good job at the Constitutional Convention, but based on what I've heard, our democratic vision is going down the crapper faster than a Philadelphia sewer after a thunderstorm.

ADAMS: (sliding into booth, nearly spilling his black coffee) I've heard the same out in the square. Their latest president operates with the arbitrary whims of a despot! He aspires to be the next King George! We should have been more explicit about reasonable governance - perhaps a constitutional footnote: Presidents shall not behave like toddlers with nuclear codes.

JEFFERSON: (pulling out a worn copy of the Declaration of Independence) Speaking of which, I've been reviewing our old work. Remember when we wrote "Let Facts be submitted to a candid world"? Perhaps it's time for an update: Let Facts be submitted to a world that's forgotten how to read beyond Twitter headlines.

ADAMS: (grimly) Indeed. Though we've got to be clearer about what constitutes a fact. Apparently now they require professional fact-checkers to verify basic reality. It's nuttier than thinking Benedict Arnold was on our team - at least Arnold only betrayed us once, not every Tuesday at 3 AM on Truth Social.

FRANKLIN: (dipping his quill) The irony is exquisite. We created a system of checks and balances, and now they need to check whether balance itself exists. Shall we begin our updated grievances?

JEFFERSON: (leaning forward) Very well. He has refused to acknowledge the results of free and fair elections, instead claiming victory with falsehoods that would make King George blush.

ADAMS: (adding with constitutional precision) He has attempted to subvert the electoral process itself, pressuring state officials to find votes like a merchant haggling over spoiled turnips.

FRANKLIN: (chuckling as he writes) He has launched his own social media platform, making our complaints about the king's propaganda seem quaint by comparison. At least royal decrees required parchment and literacy.

JEFFERSON: But here's what truly astounds me - we assumed an informed citizenry was the foundation of democracy. We never anticipated they'd have access to all human knowledge in their pockets and still choose to believe that Italy used space lasers to change vote tallies.

ADAMS: My word. Are you serious? We worried about the common man's education, not his willful ignorance of education itself.

FRANKLIN: And science itself! He'd rather I didn't invent the lightning rod! Instead, he proffers endless conspiracy theories. My personal favorite is the one where they think I'm still alive and running a deep state operation from Philadelphia. Apparently, I've been secretly controlling the government for 250 years - which would explain why the postal service still works better than anything else.

George Washington enters, looking around the coffee shop with bewilderment

WASHINGTON: Good day, gentlemen. Tell me, why does everyone appear to be staring at glowing rectangles instead of conversing like civilized beings?

JEFFERSON: George! Welcome to the 21st century. Join us - we're updating our Declaration for modern times.

FRANKLIN: (gesturing with his quill) George, we were just cataloging presidential grievances. Your input would be invaluable, particularly given your precedent of actually leaving office voluntarily.

WASHINGTON: (adjusting his cravat) A novel concept, apparently. Very well: He has endeavored to prevent the population from understanding the peaceful transfer of power.

ADAMS: (nodding vigorously) He has called for the termination of the Constitution, which we labored hard to create, apparently believing it's more of a suggestion than a binding legal framework.

FRANKLIN: (scribbling furiously) He has pardoned himself and his associates with the casual frequency of a monarch dispensing royal favors, turning clemency into a subscription service.

WASHINGTON: This is most disturbing. Though I must ask - what's this I hear about subscription services? I tried to buy a newspaper this morning and was told I needed to subscribe to seventeen different platforms.

FRANKLIN: (laughing) Ah, George, I invented the subscription model for newspapers, but these people have subscriptions for everything - coffee beans delivered monthly, razor blades, and even dog food. There's probably a subscription service to manage your subscription services. It's capitalism without the inconvenience of actual markets.

ADAMS: He has made judges dependent on his will alone, by threatening to investigate and prosecute those who rule against him, treating the judicial branch as his personal attorneys.

WASHINGTON: He has encouraged domestic violence and rebellion, then claimed ignorance of the consequences, like a general who orders a charge then denies responsibility for the casualties.

FRANKLIN: He has obstructed justice by dangling pardons like carrots before potential witnesses, turning the justice system into a game show where loyalty is the only currency.

JEFFERSON: (sipping his coffee) Though I must say, the diversity of the establishment we're sitting in would have been unimaginable in our time. People of all backgrounds, united in their overpriced caffeine addiction and their shared inability to look up from their devices.

WASHINGTON: (squinting at the menu) We fought a war over tea taxes, and now they willingly pay premium prices for beverages with names I cannot pronounce. Frappuccino sounds like a failed Italian naval expedition.

ADAMS: (muttering) At least they're not throwing coffee overboard. Though I suspect if Starbucks raised prices much more, we'd witness the Boston Coffee Party.

FRANKLIN: (reading from his napkin) He has repeatedly claimed that any investigation into his conduct constitutes a witch hunt, apparently unaware that we experienced witch hunts and they looked quite different - for one, they involved actual accusations of witchcraft, not accounting fraud.

WASHINGTON: (shaking his head) He has treated the office of the presidency as an opportunity for personal financial gain, selling merchandise and hosting events at government properties, turning the Executive Mansion into a combination gift shop and wedding venue.

ADAMS: He has demanded personal loyalty oaths from government officials, confusing the office of the presidency with that of a medieval lord, apparently believing public servant means personal servant.

FRANKLIN: He has claimed that presidential immunity extends to all actions, past, present, and future, essentially arguing that the presidency is a four-year license to commit crimes with impunity.

JEFFERSON: He has attempted to use the military against his own citizens, violating the very principle of civilian control that started the revolution.

ADAMS: He has appointed family members to positions of power, establishing a nepotism so brazen it would make the Borgias blush.

FRANKLIN: (putting down his quill) Gentlemen, I propose we conclude with this: And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on divine Providence, we mutually pledge our sacred Honor - assuming we can agree on what constitutes honor in an age of alternative facts and influencer culture.

JEFFERSON: (raising his cup) To Facts submitted to a candid world - assuming anyone's still reading past the headline and comprehending the substance.

WASHINGTON: (looking bewildered) And to hoping they don't require a monthly subscription to access the Constitution, though I suspect that's next.

The four men sit in contemplative silence, watching as a customer orders a drink with seven modifications while livestreaming their political opinions to an audience of twelve followers.

ADAMS: (breaking the silence) You know what's truly remarkable? We created a system designed to prevent exactly this kind of person from gaining power.

FRANKLIN: (wryly) Well, John, we also created a system that assumes people would want to prevent it. Turns out, assuming rational behavior in politics is like assuming sobriety at a tavern - technically possible, but historically unlikely.

WASHINGTON: (standing to leave) I think I'll return to being dead now. It's less depressing.

End scene